I don't care if you read this, I don't care if you reply with your opinions. However, don't go out of your way to un-justify what I am writing about.
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Sometimes I take the company of others for granted, because when you're alone, you are just that -- alone. If you're alone right now reading this, look over both of your shoulders. Is someone there? If not, ask yourself why? If there is someone there, why are you here and not there?
I remember a time where I was never alone. I always had someone wrapped in my arms or to talk to. Now? Embracing someone is a luxury, conversations are scanty and I have so much time and such little energy. I know why though. This is my punishment for my wrongdoings in the past. I accept that, but I didn't think it would feel like this; I didn't think it would be this hard in such a short amount of time.
I have always tried to keep a smile on my face when I see family or a friend, because letting them know what's wrong and letting them worry is the hardest part about being alone..when I'm alone, I'm alone for atonement. I'm alone to try to sanctify and purify the sins that I've committed. I know this is starting to sound like some religious journey, but it really isn't. I've accepted, that even if there is a God, or gods, or heaven or hell, I'll suffer in the afterlife. If I reincarnate, I'll reincarnate as someone worse off, because even though I complain about loneliness and depression, and anxiety I know there's more I can do and I know there's more that can be wrong. I know that, I just want to feel sorry for myself. I don't even know why I'm posting this or typing it all. I don't want attention, unless its from the people I hurt. I only want them to look at me one more time and know that my apology is genuine and not to beg for forgiveness, but just apologize. What I put people through isn't forgivable and I don't see it as something I would forgive someone for, so why should you? But please, just recognize I am trying to atone for it and I am sorry. I want to go to the end of the universe and back to attempt to even make up a fraction of what I have made you all experience
I remember a time where I was never alone. I always had someone wrapped in my arms or to talk to. Now? Embracing someone is a luxury, conversations are scanty and I have so much time and such little energy. I know why though. This is my punishment for my wrongdoings in the past. I accept that, but I didn't think it would feel like this; I didn't think it would be this hard in such a short amount of time.
I have always tried to keep a smile on my face when I see family or a friend, because letting them know what's wrong and letting them worry is the hardest part about being alone..when I'm alone, I'm alone for atonement. I'm alone to try to sanctify and purify the sins that I've committed. I know this is starting to sound like some religious journey, but it really isn't. I've accepted, that even if there is a God, or gods, or heaven or hell, I'll suffer in the afterlife. If I reincarnate, I'll reincarnate as someone worse off, because even though I complain about loneliness and depression, and anxiety I know there's more I can do and I know there's more that can be wrong. I know that, I just want to feel sorry for myself. I don't even know why I'm posting this or typing it all. I don't want attention, unless its from the people I hurt. I only want them to look at me one more time and know that my apology is genuine and not to beg for forgiveness, but just apologize. What I put people through isn't forgivable and I don't see it as something I would forgive someone for, so why should you? But please, just recognize I am trying to atone for it and I am sorry. I want to go to the end of the universe and back to attempt to even make up a fraction of what I have made you all experience
